Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
