I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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