so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
