I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
