She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
