he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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