I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
