I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
