Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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