Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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