I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
