I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
