My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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