You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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