if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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