I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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