Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You have to summon your inner elephant
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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