Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
