I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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