I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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