textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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