New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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