i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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