Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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