I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Blood and glitter go together right?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
