ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have feelings that need drinking.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
