Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize