Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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