We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
