My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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