Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
