It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
