He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
