I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
