Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
