I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
