It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
