I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
