so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
