you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
