The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
