When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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