She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
