I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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