these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
