saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
