maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
