i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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