I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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