just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
