hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
