I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
