Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im six kinds of drunk right now
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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