i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
