there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am puke
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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