I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
