My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
