we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
