I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
