Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
