grandma shit on top of the toilet
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
